Bunsen Burn and Caldron Bubble
begin in Lisa and Lily’s room. Luna is sitting in a chair while Lisa is using her oscilloscope to tune her guitar. Luna: So, yeah. Sam was wonderin’ if there was a way to get a CD to play vinyl-quality sound, and I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t possible. Lisa: Indeed. A digital recording cannot capture the complete sound wave like an analog recording can. There’s always going to be something lost in translation. Luna: I know, right? But that got me to thinkin’. What if there was a disc that was durable like a CD, but used analog recording like a vinyl record? That way, you’ve got the best of both worlds. Lisa: thoughtfully It does sound intriguing. I’ll have to conduct some research and see if it’s possible, but you might be onto something. puts down her oscilloscope and hands Luna her guitar There we are. Should be good as new. One moment, please. goes into her closet and pulls out a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. She puts the headphones on and gives Luna a thumbs-up. Luna nods and strums her guitar to test it. The powerful sound wave blows Lisa back a bit, but she manages to stand her ground. Once the sound wave has passed, Lisa takes off her headphones. Luna: Sweet. gives Lisa a thumbs-up Thanks a million, Brain Box. I owe you one. Lisa: smirks Considering how you’ve given me a patent-worthy concept to research, I’d say we’re even, sibling. Luna: Cool. Catch you later, brah. Peace out. leaves Lisa’s room, giving her the devil horn salute. Lisa smiles and waves back before turning to the audience. Lisa: I’m sure you’re thinking that the behavior I just displayed was highly atypical of me. After all, considering my area of expertise compared to everyone else’s, one would imagine that it would be nigh-on impossible for me to hold an intellectual conversation with any of my siblings. Well, one would actually be incorrect about that. hops up up onto her stool and gets out her chemistry set. Lisa: In my research, I have found that science is embedded into various aspects of everyday life. Thus, the interests of most of my siblings involve some form of applied science. Luna has a great wealth of knowledge regarding computers and sound, Lynn is well-versed in the intricacies of human anatomy, biodiversity and mechanics are Lana’s specialty, and even Leni has adopted color theory into her fashion designs. Even without realizing it, my siblings pursue knowledge the same way I do. I take great comfort in that. content smile turns into a small frown as she carefully observes two test tubes containing different liquids. Lisa: However, that isn’t the case with all of my siblings. I’m unhappy to report that there is one sibling with whom I do not share this connection with. And no, I’m not referring to Lily. I actually understand her more than I understand— ???: Lisa. Lisa: Yee~! spills her chemicals, creating a small explosion. When the smoke clears, she is completely covered in soot, and both of the test tubes in her hands have shattered. She turns around to see that Lucy has appeared out of nowhere. Lisa: dryly May I help you with something, Lucy? Lucy: I need to borrow your bunsen burner. Lisa: I see. And might I inquire as to why you need such a dangerous piece of equipment? takes out Great Grandma Harriet’s book of spells and shows Lisa one of the pages. Lucy: I want to make this potion here, but Mom and Dad won’t let me use the fireplace. a beat, Lisa gives Lucy a bemused look. Lisa: I thought it was established that the incantations in that tome don’t actually work. Lucy: I’m not trying to cast any spells, though. I’m trying to make potions. There’s a difference. Lisa: facepalms Denying the antecedent does not change reality. Beat Lucy: I have no idea what that means. Lisa: Lucy, I… sighs Look. I know you highly regard Great Grandma Harriet for reasons beyond my comprehension, and that’s fine. I accept that. But I must draw the line at allowing you to use my scientific tools for your arcane rituals. hops off of her stool and takes a closer look at the book What is that even supposed to be, anyway? Lucy: 'One of Great Grandma Harriet’s most potent elixirs. The Death Doze Draught. One sip puts the drinker into a sleep like death. ''Beat '''Lisa: I’m just taking a proverbial stab in the dark here, but you really want to know what death is like without actually dying, don’t you? Lucy: You know me so well. Lisa: wearily Lucy, I… don’t like saying this to you. I know how passionate you are about all this, but the truth is that what you’re looking for isn’t scientifically possible. The only way to know what death feels like is to, well, die. And I’m sorry, but no amount of ancient witchcraft is going to… to… observes the page more carefully, brow furrowing. Lucy tilts her head. Lucy: Lisa? Lisa: One moment. darts away and wheels out her chalkboard. She then proceeds to perform several calculations, creating a cloud of chalk dust as she works. Every once in a while, she looks back at the spell book. Lisa: to herself Mmm-hmm. Huh. Yes, that would slow down the patient’s heart rate to… I see. Oh, that is clever. Uh-huh. Uh-huh… eyes suddenly widen and sparkle Sweet Madame Curie! Lucy: What is it? turns to Lucy, a wide grin on her face. Lisa: You never told me Great Grandma Harriet was such a skilled chemist! This… this may actually be doable! True, the practical application of this concoction is suspect, but with the right ingredients, it just might work! Lucy: Uh-huh. So, can I borrow your bunsen burner or not? Lisa: I’ll do you one better, my dear apothecary of a sibling! I’ll help you make it! Lucy: surprised Wait, really? I-I thought you weren’t interested in Great Grandma Harriet’s spells. Lisa: It’s not her spells I’m interested in, Lucy! It’s her chemical genius! Lucy: What about all the stuff about denying the antecedent, whatever that means? Lisa: Fie on the antecedent! That fallacy has been rendered null and void now that I know what Great Grandma Harriet was capable of! Now, I’m guessing you already have the necessary ingredients? Lucy: Yes. They’re in my room. Lisa: Well, go and fetch them! We must start at once! starts setting up her chemistry set again, overcome by giddiness To think that such astounding scientific breakthroughs have been hidden within the pages of that tome for untold decades! I wonder what else she managed to figure out! Ooh, I’m so excited~! Lucy: I can clearly see that. I’ll be back in a minute. leaves Lisa’s room, looking over the spell book. A small smile crosses her face. returns some time later, her arms filled with all sorts of different powders and other minutia. As she steps into Lisa’s room, an alarm goes off. She jumps slightly, a bit startled. Lisa turns to greet her. Lisa: Apologies for my proximity alarm, sibling. I simply didn’t want to risk you startling me and destroying my equipment before we could get started properly. Lucy: Sigh. I suppose that’s fair. Where do you want all this? Lisa: Right here on my desk is fine, thank you. places the ingredients on Lisa’s desk, next to the lines of beakers and burners she had set up. Lisa looks over at her chalkboard and nods. Lisa: Alright then. Let’s get to work. begins mixing Lucy’s ingredients into different flasks, checking the recipe every so often. Lucy watches her work. Lucy: I believe the black pepper comes at the end. Lisa: I’m well aware. Just setting it up for later. Hand me those ground violets, will you? complies. Soon, Lisa pours all of the ingredients into one beaker and heats it up with the bunsen burner. The mixture bubbles and froths, sending up plumes of grey smoke. Lisa: And now, the final touch. sprinkles the black pepper into the concoction. A large plume of smoke erupts from the beaker, causing Lisa and Lucy to flinch. Once they recover, they see the mixture before them. It is a pale grey color, and smoke still billows forth. Lisa nods. Lisa: It is done. The Death Doze Draught. Lucy: Wicked. Thanks, Lisa. reaches for the beaker, but Lisa stays her hand. Lisa: Hold on, sibling. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We need to test this properly. Lucy: But, why? We followed the recipe. Lisa: Yes, but we don’t know what our great grandmother used this recipe for, or if she even tested it herself. This might end up putting you into a permanent catatonic state, or worse, actually kill you. I don’t want that to happen to my beloved sibling. gives Lisa a blank stare. Lucy: Oh. That’s… actually a good point. Lisa: Yes, I know you thrive on such morbid fantasies, but— does a double take Wait, you actually concede my concern for your safety? Lucy: baffled You actually care about my safety? two of them stare at each other for a beat. Lucy and Lisa: unison I thought you would… But you always seem to… Ugh, I feel like such a jerk… N-no, it’s okay, I understand… Wow, this is awkward… Beat Lucy: Why don’t you go first? Lisa: sighs The fact is, yes, I do take great risks in my experiments. But it’s never my intention to hurt any of you. Lucy: And just because I accept death as the inevitable end doesn’t mean I’m in any hurry to get there. If anything, I’d rather be un''dead. ''Beat Lisa: Huh. We are learning so much about each other today. Lucy: Yeah. a bit of awkward silence, Lucy raises a hand to her mouth to clear her throat. Lucy: Cough, cough. beat So, um, yeah. We should test it first. But how? Lisa: Leave that to me, sibling. takes out an eyedropper and sucks up some of the concoction. She then walks over to her closet and takes out a shoebox with holes in it. She puts the shoebox on her desk and opens it up, revealing a small rat. Lisa: It is time for your sustenance, Specimen 45B. holds the eyedropper in front of the rat, squeezing the bulb so that a bit of liquid trickles out. The rat sniffs the liquid and staggers, appearing to be lightheaded. Lisa: Fascinating. takes out her tape recorder and presses the record button Observations regarding Serum #13-3a, codename: “Death Doze Draught.” First observation: its very fumes have a noticeable potency. rat shakes itself and sniffs the liquid again. It nibbles on the end of the eyedropper, drinking some of the potion. Suddenly, the rat falls unconscious. Lisa: Second observation: the serum is incredibly fast-acting and powerfully potent when consumed. I will now proceed to take Specimen 45B’s vitals. removes the rat from the box and checks his pulse and breathing. Lucy watches on, her face nondescript. Lucy: So? turns to Lucy and adjusts her glasses. Lisa: Well, it works just as our great grandmother intended. Specimen 45B is still very much alive, but his vitals are quite faint. To a layman, it would appear that he had simply passed away in his sleep. Lucy: So, does that mean it’s safe? Lisa: her head I cannot say that with confidence yet. We need to wait and see if and when the effects of this serum wear off. However, should Specimen 45B awaken, I will submit my findings for a peer review. Once it passes peer review, I will deem it safe for human consumption. Lucy: And you’re sure your peers would be willing to review this? Lisa: sheepishly Well, that is honestly a difficult question to answer, though it’s not simply due to the nature of our experiment. One thing you should know about science is that no one likes doing peer review. Nevertheless, it is an important part of the scientific method. Just… have a bit of patience. Lucy: shrugs Okay. So, what do we do until then? Lisa: grins I propose that we see what other serums we can make. Ones that are safer for human consumption, of course. Lucy: smirks Of course. Actually, I might have a few suggestions… opens Great Grandma Harriet’s spell book and shares it with Lisa. cut to the twins’ room, where Lola is setting up a tea party. She hears a knock on her door. Lola: Coming~! finishes setting the table and saunters over to her door. When she answers it, she sees Lisa, who has her hands behind her back. Lola: Oh. Hello, Lisa. I’m sorry, but you caught me at a bit of a bad time. We’re just about to sit down for tea. You’re more than welcome to join us. Lisa: That’s quite alright, sibling. I won’t take up any more time than necessary. I just wish to inquire something of you. Lola: her head Oh? What might that be? Lisa: It has come to my attention that my magnifying glass has gone missing. Initially, I thought I had merely misplaced it, but after a thorough search of my sleeping quarters, I have come up empty-handed. I was wondering if you knew anything about it. Lola: shrugs Sorry, Lisa. I haven’t the slightest clue. Lisa: I see. Well, thank you for your time. Oh, before I forget, I want you to have something. gives Lola a simple teabag. Lola looks at the gift, raising an eyebrow. Lola: Thanks, but we have our own tea. Lisa: Oh, but this is a very special tea. I made it myself. Lola: Wait, you made it? Lisa: Affirmative. Beat Lola: deadpans Nope. shoves the teabag back into Lisa’s hand and moves to close her door. Lisa tries to block her from doing so. Lisa: grunts Why is it that everyone assumes that I’m up to something nefarious whenever I display acts of generosity like this? Lola: Oh, I don’t know, experience?! The fact that no one wants to be part of your icky experiments?! Lisa: Lola, please. I understand my credibility is suspect, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of— gasps Egads! Hops has fled his terrarium! spins around, her eyes as wide as dinner plates. Lola: What?! Dang it, Lana! I don’t want Hops’s gross frog slime all over the place! begins darting around the room, looking for Hops. While she’s distracted, Lisa take out an eyedropper and squirts something into Lola’s teapot. Lisa: For the record, frogs aren’t slimy. They are covered in mucus. Lola: frantically As if that’s any better! Ooh, when I get my hands on that dang frog, I’m gonna— ???: Hey, Lola. turns to see Lana in the doorway with Hops perched on her head. She blinks at Lana before giving Lisa a dirty look. Lisa shrugs sheepishly. Lana: I forgot to get Hops’s flies. I’ll just be a sec. walks over to her bed and waves to Lisa Oh, hey, Lis’. Lisa: Greetings, sibling. leaves the room. Lola sighs and pours herself a cup of tea. Lisa: I must say, her timing was impeccable. Lola: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Now can you go be creepy to someone else? takes a sip of tea Lisa: Very well. I just want to confirm something with you. Lola: Confirm what? Lisa: Are you absolutely sure that you know nothing about my magnifying glass? Lola: nonchalantly Oh, no. I know about that. I was just lying to you before so that you wouldn’t get mad at me. See, I was borrowing it to practice for my Little Miss Detective pageant, and I kinda dropped it and it… broke… eyes suddenly go wide as a realization hits her. All the color drains from her face. Lola: I don’t know why I said all that just now. Lisa: thoughtfully Is that so? Tell me, where is my magnifying glass now? Lola: Under my bed. gasps and clasps her hands over her mouth Lisa: I see. You wouldn’t mind if I took a look, would you? Lola: I-I kinda would, actually, ‘cause I don’t want you to hate me. sighs and rolls her eyes as she takes a look under Lola’s bed. Sure enough, she unearths a small magnifying glass with a chipped lens. She smirks. Lisa: This is what you were so worried about? Come now, sibling. I can easily repair this. Lola: Wait, y-you’re not mad at me? Lisa: Not particularly. I am disappointed that you lied to me, but that’s about it. Let this serve as a lesson to you, my dear sibling. Lola: Um, o-okay. leaves Lola’s room, but not before winking at the vent in the ceiling. It’s revealed that Lucy is sitting in the ventilation shaft with Great Grandma Harriet’s book in hand. The book is open to a recipe labeled “ESSENCE OF HONESTY”. Lucy smiles. next scene opens in Luna and Luan’s room. Luna is sitting in her beanbag chair, strumming away on her guitar. Luan, meanwhile, is sitting on her bed and scowling at her laptop. Luan: Wow. Seriously? This is what qualifies as a prank nowadays? They’re just being jerks to people on the street! How is that supposed to be funny?! And why is it in the related videos section of my stuff?! Luna: shrugs I mean, you do get kinda carried away, dude. Especially on April Fool’s Day. Luan: deadpans Really now? Tell me, Luna. Have I ever done something like this to you guys? shows Luna her laptop. After a few seconds, Luna cringes at the display. Luna: Yeesh. Touché, little sis. Seriously, don’t ever show me that again. Luan: Wasn’t planning on it. sighs Welp, now I’m sad. is a knock at the door. Luan: I’ll get it. I need a break from this nonsense. Luna: I hear that. gets up and answers the door. She sees Lisa standing the the hallway, wearing oven mitts and holding a baking pan full of brownies. Lisa: Greetings, siblings. Would either of you care to sample a cacao-based confectionary, street name: “brownie?” gives Lisa a bemused look. Luan: Last time I ate something you gave me, I started glowing in the dark. Lisa: Oh, worry not, my dear jester of a sibling. We made sure that these brownies have nothing hazardous within them. Luan: an eyebrow Wait, “we?” ???: I helped make them. Luan: Yah~! jumps as Lucy appears out of seemingly nowhere. She is wearing an apron that reads “MY COOKING IS TO DIE FOR”. Luna: Wait, since when do you bake, Luce? Lucy: shrugs I felt like doing something nice for my mentor. Lisa: And upon further reflection, I felt I hadn’t thanked you properly for the new research, Luna. Thus, we believe that this would be a sufficient token of our affection and appreciation. Beat Luan: Lucy And you’re sure you managed to keep Lisa from putting her experiments in these? Lucy: Absolutely. I wouldn’t lie to you about this, Luan. Luan: Hmm. Well, okay. I’m trusting you here. takes a brownie and eats it. After chewing for a moment, her eyes go wide. Luan: Whoa~. Th-this is… I… laughs Oh, wow. Luna: Um, you okay, brah? Luan: Luna, y-you have got to try one of these. Th-this is amazing! Luna walks over to the brownies and tries one. She shrugs. Luna: Doesn’t taste any diff— eyes go wide Dude~. That is just… laughs Whoa momma. Luan: I know, right?! It’s like biting into pure happiness! Looks like this brown''ies are the perfect way to cure the ''blues. laughs Get it? Luna: cackles G-good one! turns to Lisa Y-you don’t mind if we…? Lisa: Oh, by all means. We have several more trays in the oven. Luna: grins Man, you are just the best today, Brain Box! Luan: Yeah! Thanks so much, guys! Yoink~! swipes the entire tray from Lisa and closes her door. Lisa and Lucy turn to each other and nod. Lisa then takes out a clipboard with a list clamped to it. She makes some notes next to an item on the list marked “EUPHORIA EXTRACT”. Lisa: Just as an aside, remind me never to play you in poker, Lucy. Lucy: shrugs Well, it wasn’t like I was lying about doing something nice for her. next scene opens in Lynn and Lucy’s room. Lynn is in bed, looking rather pale and annoyed. Rita is sitting by her side, taking her temperature. She takes the thermometer out of Lynn’s mouth and checks it. Rita: 101.2. It’s official, kiddo. You have a fever. Lynn: Aw, what?! I-I can’t get sick! This is supposed to be the night when Lunatic Lynn makes her big comeback to the ring! Rita: Maybe you should’ve thought of that before drinking those raw eggs. I told you that kind of stunt would only give you food poisoning. Lynn: 'But Mom~! It’s my big n— Nngh! ''violent growl from her stomach interrupts her train of thought. She winces and groans. '''Rita: You were saying? Lynn: straining Mom, I-I can’t back out of this match! Rita: Well, I’m just going to have to call this match on account of a Doctor’s Stoppage. Lynn: scowls First of all, a Doctor’s Stoppage means that I lose, and you know how I feel about losing. Second, I have to actually get into the ring before you can make that call. Rita: sternly Well, it’s a Mother’s Stoppage then. sighs Sweetie, please don’t fight me on this. You’re in no condition to do anything, let alone wrestle. Just take it easy and get some rest. I’ll be back to check on you in a bit. kisses Lynn’s cheek and leaves the room. Lynn sulks and grumbles. Lynn: It’s not fair. How was I supposed to know those eggs were bad? ???: The quality of the eggs is irrelevant, sibling. looks up to see Lisa and Lucy come in. Lucy is still wearing her apron, and she’s carrying a bowl of soup. Lynn groans. Lynn: Really not in the mood for a lecture, Lis’. I already got an earful from Mom. Lisa: Fair enough. Actually, we come bearing good news. Lucy: We heard you weren’t feeling well, so we decided to make you some soup. looks at the soup, and then at Lisa. She raises an eyebrow. Lynn: Seriously, Lisa? I get sick, and you see it as an opportunity to turn me into a guinea pig for one of your experiments? Lucy: Don’t worry, Lynn. There’s nothing experimental about it. I made sure of it personally. Lynn: Uh-huh. So, what’s the catch, then? Lucy: No catch. We just wanted to do something nice for you. Beat Lynn: Alright. I’m trusting you here, Luce. accepts the bowl of soup and tries a bit of it. After a few seconds, the color slowly returns to her cheeks. Lynn: Huh. Th-this actually isn’t half-bad. And I think my stomach’s starting to feel better. Thanks a bunch, guys. walks in. Rita: Oh. I didn’t realize you had company. How are you feeling, sweetie? Lynn: Loads better. I think Lunatic Lynn’s gonna fight tonight after all. raises an eyebrow. Rita: Oh, really? Let me be the judge of that, young lady. feels Lynn’s forehead, and her eyes widen in astonishment. Rita: Goodness! You don’t feel nearly as hot as before. Lynn: smirks Told ya. Rita tends to Lynn, Lisa and Lucy sneak out of the room. Lisa takes out her clipboard and makes some notes next to an item on the list marked “PURIFYING BROTH”. cut to that evening in the living room. Lori and Leni enter the scene, wearing their vampire outfits and prepared for a night of VoM. Leni: Huh. Where’s Lucy? She’s usually the first one here. Lori: shrugs Beats me. ???: Hey, guys. and Leni shriek as Lucy appears out of seemingly nowhere. She is holding three beet smoothies. Lori rolls her eyes. Lori: Honestly, Lucy. Can’t you ever just walk into a room like a normal person? Lucy: I’m not a big fan of being normal. Beat Lori: Touché. Leni: Oh, hey! You got us smoothies! Thanks, Lucy! simply nods, and the three sisters take a seat on the couch. Lucy sits in the middle and hands Lori and Leni their drinks, but not before taking out a small glass vial and discretely slipping something into Lori’s smoothie. The show begins, showing Edwin and Tristan. Tristan: I’m telling you, Uncle Eddie. This stuff isn’t easy. Edwin: Patience, my nephew. It will get easier with time. Tristan: But how am I supposed to explain this to Gwen? How am I gonna get her to like me now? Edwin: Sigh. Must be in our bloodline. I ask the same question about Griselda every night… Leni: I never really got the whole thing with Edwin and Griselda. I mean, like, do they love each other or not? Lori: Take it from me, Leni. You’ll find that being in a loving relationship can be pretty complicated sometimes. sips her smoothie Lucy: And it is those complications that lead to Edwin being such a tortured soul. Sigh. a beat, Lori lets out a fart. Leni scowls. Leni: Ew~! Lori~! Lori: defensively Th-that was the sofa cushions! Leni: Oh, c’mon. Don’t try to hide it, Lori. I can smell your stinky… trails off and sniffs the air a few times. She then gives Lori a quizzical look. Leni: Hey, is that a new scent? blinks in confusion. Lori: What are you talking about? Leni: You just smell, like, really nice right now. Lilac, I think. Ooh, and a bit of lavender. then shrugs Huh. I guess it was just the sofa cushions. Sorry, Lori. Lori: N-no worries. Lori sniffs the air and looks around. Before she can ask any questions, Lucy rests her head against Lori’s side. Lucy: It is a nice scent. blushes, still utterly confused. Lucy looks off towards the side room, where Lisa is standing just out of view. Lisa nods and takes out her clipboard. She makes some notes next to an item on the list marked “PERFUME FOR THE INCONTINENT”. Vampires of Melancholia is over, Lucy joins Lisa in her room. Lisa is pouring over the notes on her clipboard. Lisa: It still boggles my mind that Great Grandma Harriet never bothered to patent any of this! She really could’ve changed the world! Lucy: shrugs I doubt anyone would’ve taken her seriously. Souls like her are always tragically misunderstood. Lisa: I’m sure the likes of Nikola Tesla and Leonardo da Vinci can relate to being ahead of their time. And just because Isaac Newton was an alchemist does not mean his contributions to science are irrelevant. smiles and pats Lucy on the shoulder Lucy, I believe I have a newfound respect for our great grandmother. Lucy: Thanks. I’ll let her know you said that. Beat Lisa: Right. her throat Now, let’s check on Specimen 45B, shall we? hops up onto her stool and checks the rat’s vital signs. Her brow furrows. Lisa: Well, he’s still alive. That’s a good sign. But it appears the serum hasn’t worn off yet. Lucy: So it is too dangerous. Sigh. Lisa: Let’s not jump to any conclusions, sibling. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours yet. We’ll check on him again tomorrow. Lucy: Okay, that’s fair. stretches Yawn~. Well, I’d better go to bed. Goodnight, Lisa. Lisa: smiles Goodnight, my dear sibling. And thank you for a truly enriching experience. I don’t believe I’ve ever gotten so much research done in such a short span of time. Lucy: No problem, Lisa. Glad we were able to help. stares blankly at Lucy for a beat before a realization hits her. Lisa: Oh~. Y-you mean you and Great Grandma Harriet. chuckles Indeed, it appears I owe her a debt of gratitude as well. nods and leaves the room. Once she’s gone, Lisa takes out her tape recorder. Lisa: Third observation regarding Serum #13-3a, codename: “Death Doze Draught”: the effects last longer than anticipated. Should they last more than twenty-four hours, I will have no choice but to deem the substance too hazardous for human consumption. Beat Lisa: Practical application is still suspect regardless. I can only imagine why Great Grandma Harriet dabbled in such things. However, her other chemical research should still be noted for the great scientific breakthroughs they are. a beat, she sighs and smiles. Lisa: As a personal addendum, I am glad to have finally bonded with my macabre sister Lucy. I hope to continue to conduct research with her in the future. turns off her tape recorder and hops off of her stool. Leni walks in, dressed in her nightgown and holding a book. Leni: Hey, Lisa. Need me to tuck you in? I know Lori usually reads to you, but she’s not feeling well right now. eyes go wide. Lisa: I-is that right? What’s the diagnosis? Beat Leni: The what? Lisa: sighs What specifically is wrong with her? Leni: Ooh~. Yeah, I dunno. She just said she had stomach problems. She must’ve caught it from Lynn or something. I’m sure it’s nothing serious. Lisa: I… see. Well, disregarding the fact that food poisoning isn’t contagious, I’ll take her vitals in the morning should the symptoms persist. Right now, I am far too exhausted. Leni: Okay then. Let’s get you ready for bed. Leni helps Lisa get into her pajamas, Lisa gives the camera a concerned look. next morning, Lisa gets out of bed and gathers her medical equipment. Once she ventures out into the hallway, she overhears a conversation in the twins’ room. Curious, she peeks inside. Lana: Hey, Lola? Don’t freak out, but I think El Diablo got out of his tank. Lola: Oh, I’m not worried about El Diablo. He’s actually a good cuddle— Eep! clasps her hands over her mouth. Lana tilts her head, confused. Lana: A good what? Lola: Cuddler. One time, when you were sleeping with Lori, he snuck into my bed and cuddled with me. face turns beet red Why did I say that?! What’s happening to me?! Lana: Um, are you okay? Lola: frantic No, I’m not okay! Every time I open my mouth, I tell the truth! Lana: And, that’s a bad thing? I mean, Mom and Dad are always telling us to be honest. begins to hyperventilate, tears streaming down her cheeks. Lola: Y-you don’t get it, Lana! Now I can’t keep anyone’s secrets! I-I’m gonna go back to being a big mean tattletale, a-a-and EVERYONE’S GONNA HATE ME-HE-HE~! collapses into her bed, sobbing uncontrollably. Lana, still totally confused, walks over to her and hugs her. Lana: Th-there there. No one hates you. I-it’s okay. slips away from view before Lana sees her. She lets out a sigh and massages the bridge of her nose before taking out her clipboard and making a few notes. Lisa: to herself It appears the Essence of Honesty has not quite worn off yet. It’s more potent than anticipated. walks over to Lori and Leni’s room. As she gets closer, she can hear a cacophony of farts from the bathroom. Ignoring it for the time being, Lisa knocks on Lori’s door. Leni answers it, and Lisa is almost overwhelmed by the strong smell emanating from the room. Lisa: M-my word, that’s… distinctive. Leni: Sorry. It’s that new scent Lori got. It’s great and all, but she’s really been going overboard with it. Also, I think she might need a new mattress. I heard it squeaking all night. is a pause as Lisa puts two and two together. Lisa: Are you… sure about that? Leni: Pretty sure. I mean, it sounded like Lori farting nonstop, but I didn’t smell anything. Just that new scent she’s wearing. Lisa: I see. Tell me, where is Lori now? Leni: In the bathroom. walks over to the bathroom door. She can see clouds of flatulence seeping out, though it still smells quite pleasant. She tentatively knocks on the door. Lori: the bathroom Whoever it is, go away! Lisa: Lori, it’s me, Lisa. Leni told me you were unwell, and I wish to take your vitals. Lori: the bathroom Lisa, now is literally not the time for your stupid fecal studies! Lisa: I assure you, I’m genuinely concerned for your wellness, sibling. This has nothing to do with my fecal research. is a pause where the only sound that can be heard is Lori farting and groaning. Lori: the bathroom G-gimme five minutes. farts B-better make that fifteen. Ugh, my stomach~! sighs and makes a few notes on her clipboard. Lisa: to herself Apparently, the Perfume for the Incontinent might actually exacerbate the incontinence. That is… not ideal. I’m going to need to find— ???: Lisa. Lisa: Yee~! jumps as Lucy appears out of seemingly nowhere. Lisa: O-oh, Lucy. I-I was just about to come fetch you. Lucy: Lisa, something’s wrong with Lynn. Beat Lisa: Why do I get a sinking feeling that this is starting to become a pattern? Lucy: What? Lisa: I’ll explain later. For now, tell me the diagnosis. Lucy: I… think it’s better if I just show you. C’mon. leads Lisa into her room. Inside, Lynn is bouncing off the walls, partially exploding with energy. She sees Lisa and gives her a huge grin. Lynn: a mile a minute HeyLisa! Boyyoushould’veseenmelastnight! IwasalllikePOWandBOOM! Andtheotherguycouldn’teventouchme! Heyisitjustmeorareyousupersluggishtoday? C’monLis’! Getyourrearingear! YoutooLucy! Wooo~! dashes out the door so fast that Lisa’s wig is blown askew. Lisa grumbles and readjusts her wig before writing down some notes on her clipboard. Lisa: It’s just as I feared. The Purifying Broth is too potent as well. It’s given Lynn too much energy. Though how she managed to not wake the whole house in the middle of the night is beyond me. Lucy: I had to chain her to bed. It… wasn’t easy. Beat Lisa: I feel like the less I know about that, the better. Lucy: Yeah, let’s go with that. Now, what was that you were saying about this being a pattern? Lisa: I just observed that Lori and Lola have been having similar reactions that correspond to the serums we’ve given them. I don’t wish to jump to conclusions, as correlation does not necessitate causality, but the evidence against us is quite overwhelming. Lucy: Well, maybe Luna and Luan are okay. Let’s go check on them. Lisa: Agreed. and Lisa venture to Luna and Luan’s room. Lisa knocks on the door. Lisa: Luna? Luan? Is everything copacetic? no answer. Lucy: We’re coming in. opens the door, and she and Lisa are treated to a bizarre spectacle. Luna and Luan are sitting back-to-back in the beanbag chair, staring up at the ceiling. Their eyes are glazed over, and they both have dopey grins on their faces. The tray of brownies lays at their feet, and half of them are gone. Luna: I-I tell ya, Luan. Life is what you make of it. So beautiful, or so what. Luan: So buttons! laughs Luna: chuckles Good one! Th-that’s a good one. Luan: Daw~! Y-you’re just saying that. Luna: N-no no! I-I mean it. turns to Luan Luan, you don’t… you don’t deserve… all the flack we give you. Luan: Nah, i-it’s fine~. I get it. I-I can be a bit much sometimes. And I know that you know… that I know… that you know… that I know… trails off. Luan: I forgot where I was going with that. Luna: I know that you know? Luan: Oh, rightrightright. Th-thanks. her throat I know that you know that I can take it. Luna: W-well, alright. I-if you say so. Beat Luan: But that was very sweet of you to say, Luna. Y-you’re so nice~. Luna: snickers Okay, now who’s just saying stuff? Luan: No~! I-I mean it. Y-you’re really nice, Luna. Like, super nice. Luna: Yeah, yeah. I-I hear it all the time. But those other peeps… they just don’t dig me, y’dig? Luan: Yeah, I know. I didn’t say you were perfect. Beat Luan: In fact, why do we even have a word for that? Luna: Word for what? Luan: Perfect. Th-there’s nothing in the entire universe that’s perfect, Luna. Nothing, othing, thing, hing, ing, ng, g. Heck, even perfect things aren’t perfect, ‘cause perfect is boring. stares at Luan in awe. Luna: Dude~. You just blew my mind with that truth bomb. Mad respect, little sis. Luan: Really? Huh. M-must be those brownies Lisa and Lucy made for us. Luna: They are good brownies. takes one from the tray and holds it aloft Here’s to Lisa! takes two brownies and holds them aloft. Luan: To Lisa’s nose! That’s a double! two of them laugh and scarf down their brownies. Mid-chew, Luan raises her hand and picks up another brownie. She swallows and holds the brownie aloft. Luan: To my protégé Lucy! takes two brownies and holds them aloft. Luna: To Lucy’s nose! That’s a double! two of them laugh and scarf down the brownies. Lisa and Lucy stand in the doorway, staring blankly at them. After a while, Lucy ventures forward. Lucy: Um, guys? Are you alright? looks over at Lucy. Her eyes widen. Luna: Whoa~! Check it out, Luan! Lucy’s in the sky with diamonds! Luan: That’s my girl! Go Lucy~! Reach for your dreams! Or the stars. Or the… diamonds. Whatever, you’re awesome! And so are these brownies! Luna: Too right, luv. You should… you should totally give this recipe to Dad. raises another brownie To Pop-star! Luan: two brownies To Pop-star’s nose! That’s a double! backs away slowly and closes the door. She then turns to Lisa, who is writing in her clipboard. Lucy: Okay, I think we went a little too far. Lisa: I concur. The Euphoria Extract appears to be more potent than expected, just like the other serums. Lucy: Yes, I can see that. What are we going to do about it? takes a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh. Lisa: Keep calm, sibling. We can’t afford to lose our heads. You go fetch Great Grandma Harriet’s book; I’ll set up my lab. walks off at a brisk pace, muttering to herself. Lucy makes her way to the attic. *** walks into Lisa’s room, carrying Great Grandma Harriet’s book of spells. Once again, she sets off the proximity alarm. Lisa is already hard at work, with several chemicals already cooking on her desk. Lisa: Alright. I’m currently attempting to synthesize a sedative for Lynn. Lucy, I need you to check Great Grandma Harriet’s book and tell me if she made any antidotes for her potions. Lucy: So, your solution to this is to make more potions? Lisa: aggravated Well, if you have a better idea, I’d certainly like to hear it. Otherwise, Great Grandma Harriet got us into this mess, so she should be able to get us out of it. Lucy: I don’t think Great Grandma Harriet intended for any of this to happen. eye twitches involuntarily. Lisa: Lucy, I am at a very low ebb right now. Please do not push me. Lucy: Um, okay. I-I’m sorry. flips through the spell book. Lucy: Dang it. I’m not seeing anything about antidotes. flinches, and she throws up her arms in frustration. Lisa: Oh, great! That’s just marvelous! So she made all of these miraculous elixirs, but no countermeasure in case anything went awry?! What kind of scientist was she?! Lucy: She… wasn’t a scientist. Lisa, are you okay? I’ve never seen you get so upset over something like this before. turns savagely towards Lucy, looking quite peeved. Lisa: Oh, you’re surprised that I’m upset, are you? Well, I’m quite astonished that you’re not upset by all this! Lucy: Of course I’m upset. Why wouldn’t I be? stares at Lucy for a beat before giving her a bemused look. Lisa: Forgive me if I am skeptical of that claim. Lucy: tersely If you want my help, that’s not the way to get it. Lisa: As if you have a choice! This is just as much your fault as it is mine! Lucy: How? It was your idea. Lisa: I didn’t exactly hear you try to stop me! Lucy: How was I'' supposed to know this would happen? '''Lisa:' Well, while we’re on the subject, you claim to have precognitive abilities. I don’t believe you do, but you have claimed that several times. If you did have those abilities, you should’ve been able to see this coming! Lucy: snippily Oh, so you just expect me to be able to predict everything? I think you should’ve seen this coming, Ms. Smarty Pants. It’s happened enough times. Lisa: her eyes You’d better not be implying what I think you’re implying. Lucy: And what if I am? Lisa: Then I might just decide to use you as my next test subject! Lucy: Is that supposed to be a threat? You do that to everyone. And you already told me that it’s never your intention to hurt people. Lisa: Well, since you claim that all of my experiments end in catastrophic failure, my intentions are irrelevant, aren’t they?! Lucy: I didn’t say that. Lisa: Then what are you saying?! Why must you be so cryptic and indecipherable?! Why can’t you just—?! Lucy: interrupting Wait. What’s that sound? eyes widen as she hears a shrill whistle behind her. She turns to see the chemicals on her desk beginning to boil over and bubble violently. She blanches. Lisa: That, sibling, is the sound of our proverbial goose being cooked. Hit the deck! and Lucy try to duck for cover, but they’re too late. The chemistry set explodes, sending them both flying into the wall. As Lisa recovers, she notices that her tape recorder has fallen out of her pocket. Lisa: Oh no! My research notes! frantically rewinds the tape and plays the recording. It appears to function normally, and she breathes a sigh of relief. Lisa: Well, thank goodness for small favors, I suppose. about to shut off the tape recorder when Lucy stays her hand. Lucy: Hang on. Did I just hear my name on that recording? eyes shift around the room. Lisa: I, um… takes the tape recorder from Lisa, rewinds it, and plays it again. Recording: As a personal addendum, I am glad to have finally bonded with my macabre sister Lucy. I hope to continue to conduct research with her in the future. stares at the tape recorder, and then looks to Lisa. Lisa blushes. Lucy: Lisa, is there something you want to tell me? stares at the floor and awkwardly shuffles her feet. Lisa: Lucy, I know we don’t always see eye-to-eye. That’s to be expected, of course. We’re not exactly clones of each other, after all. But I have always taken great comfort in knowing that I shared at least something in common with my siblings beyond mere blood relation. However, up until you showed me those potions in Great Grandma Harriet’s book, I couldn’t really say that about you. Beat Lucy: Go on. I won’t interrupt. Lisa: It’s just… You always obsess over the arcane and the supernatural; concepts that my scientific mind simply can’t comprehend. I respect your choices, of course, but a part of me still wanted to have that connection with you that I have with my other siblings. And when I finally got that through Great Grandma Harriet’s potions, it was... truly joyous. But now, everything is ruined. Lucy: Is that why you got so upset? Lisa: In part. The other part is, well… lets out a shaky sigh and begins to tremble Listen, I stand by my statement that I never intend to hurt anyone with my experiments. But usually, I know any harm that befalls my siblings is temporary. I-I don’t know that with these potions. Wh-what if what we did is irreversible? Our siblings are suffering because of us, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m usually above such mundane emotions, but this… This is… I-I… whimpers and sniffles, looking like she’s ready to burst into tears at any moment. Before she does so, Lucy walks up to her and hugs her, causing her to squeak in surprise. Lisa: L-Lucy! Wh-what are—? Lucy: Shh~. There there. It's going to be okay. We'll find a way to fix this. then, Lynn Sr. and Rita barge into the room. Neither of them seem happy. Rita: Lisa Marie Loud, you have a lot of explaining to— stops short when she sees the state Lisa is in. Lucy: Do you want me to tell them? nods. Lucy: Okay. turns to her parents Mom, Dad. I can explain everything. recaps the whole thing for Lynn Sr. and Rita. When she’s done, Lisa has calmed down a little, though she still appears disheartened. Lucy: …and that’s basically the whole story. sighs and shakes her head. Rita: Lisa, this is why your father and I don’t want you experimenting on your siblings. We’ve had this talk with you before, but we don’t seem to be getting through to you. What’s it going to take for this to sink in? Are we going to have to take away you science equipment until you learn to be responsible? shudders at the very thought. Lisa: A-actually, th-that would be ill-advised. I-if I have any chance of rectifying all this, I-I need my equipment. rubs her eyes as a few tears roll down her cheeks I feel that I speak for both of us when I say that we’re truly ashamed for what we’ve done. I-it wasn’t our intention to cause any harm. We promise. Lynn Sr.: sighs We’re sure you two didn’t mean to hurt anyone, honey, but that doesn’t change the fact that you did. Rita: And don’t think we’ve forgotten about you, Lucy. You should know better than to encourage this kind of behavior. What on Earth were you thinking? Lucy: her head Sigh. You’re right. I’m sorry. turns to Lisa It’s just that… I was having so much fun bonding with Lisa that I lost sight of everything else. Lisa: sniffles L-Lucy… gives Lisa a small smile. Lynn Sr.: sternly Well, you two are going to have plenty of time to bond. You’re going to find a way to fix your sisters, and once they’re back to normal, you’re going to apologize to them for everything. Rita: And neither of you are leaving the house until you do so. Got it? Lucy: nods Yes, Mom. Lisa: nods Affirmative. Sr. sighs and give Lisa a pat on the shoulder. Lynn Sr.: Lisa, you know your mother and I love you. We’re very proud of everything you’ve managed to accomplish. But those accomplishments shouldn’t come at the expense of your family. We really want you to understand that, okay? Lisa: meekly O-okay… Rita: We mean it, young lady. We don’t want to have this discussion with you again. sighs Though, knowing you, we probably will. says nothing, but instead hangs her head in shame. Rita: knowingly You’re not even going to dispute that, huh? Lisa: Mother, please. I-I’m mortified enough as it is. I-I can’t make any promises, but I-I will try to be more mindful of my actions in the future. Rita: I certainly hope so, sweetie. Well, we’ll let you get to it, then. and Lynn Sr. give Lucy and Lisa a pat on the head before leaving the room. Lisa sniffles and dries her eyes. Lisa: Come, sibling. We have work to do. Lucy: Right behind you. cut to some time later. Lisa and Lucy are hard at work cooking up antidotes for the potions. While working, Lucy notices that the rat in the shoebox has started to stir. Lucy: Hey, Lisa. I think the Death Doze Draught has worn off. walks over and observes the rat. Lisa: Hmm. So it has. checks the time But it appears to be well past the twenty-four hour threshold. This substance is simply too poisonous for human consumption. I’m terribly sorry, Lucy. Lucy: It’s okay. I don’t care about that anymore. beat Do you think the other potions have worn off by now? Lisa: It’s possible, but I wouldn’t hedge our bets. We should still complete the antidotes regardless. Lucy: That’s fair. two continue to work in silence. After a few seconds, Lucy turns to Lisa. Lucy: Lisa? Lisa: Yes? Lucy: You don’t show it that much, but you really do care about us, don’t you? blushes slightly. Lisa: Well, of course I do. You’re not just mere test subjects to me. You’re my fellow kin, and I am grateful for all of you. lets out a dry chuckle Honestly, there are times when I wonder the same thing about you, given your usual macabre demeanor. Lucy: Really? Huh. Maybe we have more in common than we thought. Lisa: It is a possibility. adds a bit of black pepper to the concoction she’s working on and wipes some sweat from her brow Well, that should do it. We don’t have the luxury of testing these properly, so let’s just hope for the best. Science is about taking risks, after all. Lucy: Isn’t that what you normally do on a daily basis? Lisa: sighs Yes, but it’s usually within my control. At least to a certain degree. That wasn’t the case this time. Rest assured, I won’t make that mistake again. an egg timer goes off. Lisa walks over to an oven and takes out a tray of brownies. Lucy tilts her head. Lucy: Those don’t have Euphoria Extract in them, do they? Lisa: chuckles No, Lucy. These are merely apology brownies. I thought it’d help smooth things over with our siblings once they’re cured. Consider it a placebo, if you will. sighs I initially wanted to make these to celebrate our new partnership, but after today’s fiasco, I think it’d be more prudent if we did not delve into Great Grandma Harriet’s potion recipes ever again. Lucy: I can agree to that. Lisa: smirks Even so, I don’t want this to end on a low note. I truly am grateful that we had this experience, Lucy. It didn’t end the way we wanted, but not every venture ends in glory. takes up two brownies and hands one to Lucy Lucy: Thanks, Lisa. raises the brownie aloft Here’s to Great Grandma Harriet, for bringing us closer together. Lisa: her brownie To Great Grandma Harriet’s nose. That’s a double. two of them chuckle as they eat their brownies. After chewing for a bit, they both make a face. Lucy: U-um, Lisa? A-are you sure you didn’t put anything in these brownies? Lisa: I-I don’t believe so. I-I considered lacing them with the antidotes, but I ended up deciding against it. S-so… realization hits them both as they both start glowing. Lisa facepalms. Lisa: Dang it. I must’ve added a bit of my Gloweo recipe in these by mistake. Lucy: Sigh. I guess it’s only fair that we get a taste of our own medicine. pokes her head from over her crib and stares at Lucy and Lisa. After a beat, she starts giggling, prompting them both to sulk. Lisa: Oh, shut up, you. The End Trivia * While under the effects of the Euphoria Extract, Luna references the songs So Beautiful or So What by Paul Simon and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by The Beatles. ** As a side note, I'm surprised the show writers haven't come up with a way to have Luna make a Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds reference yet. And if this is truly the first TLH fanfic to pull that off, all I can say is that I'm disappointed in all of you. * I originially considered having Lisa and Lucy accidentally eat the Euphoria Extract brownies in the end, but considering the obvious parallels to certain narcotics, I didn't want to push my luck. Category:Episodes